OK. So I was thinking last night's blog was harsh..but honestly I was in a horrible mood..but I feel better today...I came to the conclusion that my horrid mood was not only my antidepressant but lack of good sleep caused by restless leg. Sunday night Jeremy said it was like I was walking in bed...and it was...it was horrible...so I started requip tonight and idk..i'll tell you how I feel tomorrow. So about my men...Jeremy went to the back doctor yesterday and he has a horribly bulging disc...they are suggesting epidural shots and then surgery..but actually the doctor said he was way to young for a fusion surgery..and Jeremy doesnt want to do surgery anyway so we are gonna hope and pray the epi shots work. Caden has been good..that kid is soo brutally honest..that he is awesomely funny without even knowing he is funny....it's hilarious!!! :) Keagen is finally doing good again...we took him to walmart today and he walked the whole store...with just a little limp..but he gets so excited..because I rarely let him to it that he talked insanely loud and touches everything...he even stopped to smell some flowers on display and the people behind us thought it was amazingly cute (which it was). We came home and he played outside too...no complaints..and so far he's been asleep 3 hours and nothing yet....(praise the lord).
Debbie and I started walking again..and I had to bright idea to take baylee....BIG mistake..the dog refused to walk...she had her toenails out and was grinding them in the concrete as I pulled her up the driveway...it was hilarious. I laugh still thinking about it...LOL!!!! Awww today has been good...had a good convo with my gals..Lauren and Megan..those women are my angels..they pull me outta any funk that possibly messes with my mind...they are saints....
Some days its good to sit back..enjoy the sunshine and think...life could be soo much worse.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Such a lonely day.....and it's mine...the most loneliest day of my life.....
SO I have been in what I call a shit rut for days now...hating my circumstance...hating the fact that 15 year old babies can have normal babies...and I did nothing wrong and screwed with both of mine....I always worked sooo hard a painting a smile..that I think it's caught up to me and now i am pissed at the whole fucking WORLD.....I dont like pity...actually I despise it...but when it's my own pity....i kinda feel alright about it...So many times I have heard...oh honey...I know what your going through....UHH no you fucking dont....do you live in my house 24/7 NO...NO you dont...so dont say you know....I have met the most amazing people in my OI journey...some that even help with Caden's Asperger's. These women are my lifeline..they are the only women i can connect to besides my fabo sisters..they get it...they dont always understand...but they get it...and that helps...But sometimes I wonder..what I did to piss off the world....Here I am sitting on my hands waiting for back pay from SSI and my lawyer gets paid first...now who made that rule I wonder??? IDK...IDK..I promise this whole blog wont be downer shit like this..but for this day...it's what you get.......
Monday, April 11, 2011
A little Intro.....
I totally realize that this is a little late..but as of late it seems life is getting the better of me...I have always been referred to as the strong one..the one who could handle anything..but at this point in my life...I think i should be referred to the weak one who could cry if anyone chose to listen.....I am Kimberly...Kim of course for short...I am married to a wonderful man...I have to amazing kiddo's...Caden...who's 7 (almost 8) going on 17 and Keagen, 4 who is going on 34. My children are very wise beyond their years and to be honest it has to come from their raising and life experiences....I didn't want to make this whole blog about their disabilities..but very few get exactly what my husband and I live through and there had been some comments made...so I thought instead of explaining my life individually..i would blog about it and they can read...or not read..but cant say i didn't try to inform them.....
Caden...Caden was born in to a very turmoil filled time...Jeremy and I were newly weds...happy..but still learning...there were family difficulties...which I chose to not mention for the pure fact of not wanting to face the backlash of airing all our dirty laundry on the Internet...ideally with Caden i had the perfect pregnancy until we hit a big speed bump of drama and utter bullshit...stress started rising and so did my blood pressure...Caden was born at 34 weeks gestation...with immature lungs and was rushed away from me with out so much as a kiss...to this day..I feel guilty for his prematurity..i feel like possibly if i had been more mature and could have not let the world get to me..he would be much better off....but thats my guilt..and I carry it...nuf said!!! He as a result of prematurity..had a very weakened immune system and was sick a lot the first 5 years...he was soo terribly prone to catch any bad bug floating around..and did....At about 3 we noticed that he was a tad strange..he talked in a funny tone..was very matter of fact and had what everyone seemed to point out was a delay in speech....So we tested him and got nothing....In kindergarten we started noticing some behavior issues in school and took him to the psychiatrist..only to be thrown under the ADHD bus...after several failures of medication...i researched and got him diagnosed with Aspergers. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome. Jeremy and I have learned somewhat on how to better handle his behaviors..and have come to realize that he is who he is...and there is no point in trying to change the things that make him special.....We is our barrel of laughs..full of funny things and the sweetest soul I have ever encountered....
On to Mr. Keagen...lord Keagen....Keagen had problems starting at my 17 week ultrasound..they noticed short limbs in the legs and arms and suggested a high risk ob and dwarfism...which I think devestated Jeremy more than I...Jeremy is very what is the word I am looking for......simple..and thought that having kids was very cut and dry and the mention of dwarfism and the possibility of something wrong made him want to run I think...he will probably read this and say no he didn't..but i swear he wanted to run as far away as he could...thus this caused tons of problems with us...I spent countless hours crying that no one wanted my baby but me and that I had made a huge mistake by even loving or wanting him..which i knew was absurd but at the time it was how i felt...Keagen was born...very smoothly i would say...aside from being really low..and breach...the doctor did manage to break his leg..which was expected I think...and we dealt with that..but it also caused him to be shipped away too....I was heartbroken...The next few months were spent with the worlds most miserable baby..he cried and carried on all day and night...had colic and probably more broken bones than I care to think about..but over came and is a ball of electric energy..the kid defies space and gravity i tell ya...he is sooo personable...and just all around eccentric....
I honestly dont know how we survive....but we do...this is just a peek into our life..I will update more as things progress...because I could write a book right now..but really dont want to scare anyone off...LOL....
Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
Caden...Caden was born in to a very turmoil filled time...Jeremy and I were newly weds...happy..but still learning...there were family difficulties...which I chose to not mention for the pure fact of not wanting to face the backlash of airing all our dirty laundry on the Internet...ideally with Caden i had the perfect pregnancy until we hit a big speed bump of drama and utter bullshit...stress started rising and so did my blood pressure...Caden was born at 34 weeks gestation...with immature lungs and was rushed away from me with out so much as a kiss...to this day..I feel guilty for his prematurity..i feel like possibly if i had been more mature and could have not let the world get to me..he would be much better off....but thats my guilt..and I carry it...nuf said!!! He as a result of prematurity..had a very weakened immune system and was sick a lot the first 5 years...he was soo terribly prone to catch any bad bug floating around..and did....At about 3 we noticed that he was a tad strange..he talked in a funny tone..was very matter of fact and had what everyone seemed to point out was a delay in speech....So we tested him and got nothing....In kindergarten we started noticing some behavior issues in school and took him to the psychiatrist..only to be thrown under the ADHD bus...after several failures of medication...i researched and got him diagnosed with Aspergers. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Asperger_syndrome. Jeremy and I have learned somewhat on how to better handle his behaviors..and have come to realize that he is who he is...and there is no point in trying to change the things that make him special.....We is our barrel of laughs..full of funny things and the sweetest soul I have ever encountered....
On to Mr. Keagen...lord Keagen....Keagen had problems starting at my 17 week ultrasound..they noticed short limbs in the legs and arms and suggested a high risk ob and dwarfism...which I think devestated Jeremy more than I...Jeremy is very what is the word I am looking for......simple..and thought that having kids was very cut and dry and the mention of dwarfism and the possibility of something wrong made him want to run I think...he will probably read this and say no he didn't..but i swear he wanted to run as far away as he could...thus this caused tons of problems with us...I spent countless hours crying that no one wanted my baby but me and that I had made a huge mistake by even loving or wanting him..which i knew was absurd but at the time it was how i felt...Keagen was born...very smoothly i would say...aside from being really low..and breach...the doctor did manage to break his leg..which was expected I think...and we dealt with that..but it also caused him to be shipped away too....I was heartbroken...The next few months were spent with the worlds most miserable baby..he cried and carried on all day and night...had colic and probably more broken bones than I care to think about..but over came and is a ball of electric energy..the kid defies space and gravity i tell ya...he is sooo personable...and just all around eccentric....
I honestly dont know how we survive....but we do...this is just a peek into our life..I will update more as things progress...because I could write a book right now..but really dont want to scare anyone off...LOL....
Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall.
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